GOP Candidates Spar over Who Would Kill More People

          By Jonathan D. Hodges

With less than two days before the South Carolina Primary, the remaining four candidates traded non-stop barbs, from details of their personal lives to abortion and foreign policy.

The most heated moment of the debate began with a question about the threat of a nuclear Iran. The moderator, CNN anchor John King asked the contenders what their first action would be as President if Iran does not give up its nuclear ambitions. Newt Gingrich answered first, “There’s no question about it. I would press the button and launch a nuclear first-strike against Iran.”

The South Carolina audience immediately erupted with applause, prompting Rick Santorum to instantly point and say, “As President, I would also nuke EVERY Muslim and Arab country to send a message - you don’t mess with America!”

The audience continued applauding and began cheering wildly; meanwhile Santorum slowly turned and gave a smirk in the direction of Speaker Gingrich. Not to be outdone by Santorum, Gingrich quickly responded, “I would immediately launch nukes against ALL nations that collude with Iran, even if it means we are the only country left standing!”

With the exception of a few Ron Paul supporters, everyone in the audience jumped to their feet and started chanting ‘U.S.A! U.S.A.!’ with fists raised.

Feeling left out, Mitt Romney interjected, “I too would nuke every other country, as well as any one of the 50 States that maintained commerce or had any connection to the Iranians.”

The audience appeared stunned at Romney’s response, prompting him to hastily reply, “We’re number one!” - which sent the crowd into another standing ovation.

Standing silently and shaking his head this entire time, was Congressman Ron Paul, who eventually walked off the stage unnoticed.

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Hannity Attacks Ron Paul over his Facebook Connections

By Jonathan Hodges

With the Iowa Caucuses approaching soon and Ron Paul rising in the polls, the attacks continue to mount against the Texas Congressman from both his rivals and the media.

Newt Gingrich recently derided Ron Paul supporters as “indecent” and said he would prefer Obama over Paul.

The latest attack from the press comes via FOX News host Sean Hannity, during a recent interview with Dr. Paul. Below is an excerpt from the Dec. 29^th interview on the Sean Hannity Show.

Hannity: Congressman, I did some digging into your connections and found something I didn’t like.

Paul: Really?

Hannity: Yes. I viewed the profiles of some of your Facebook fans, and was shocked, horrified to see the kind of people whom you associate with.

Paul: I have no idea what you’re talking about.

Hannity: Well let me give you an idea. Hank Rommel - does that ring a bell Dr. Paul?

Paul: No.

Hannity: He’s been a Facebook fan of yours for nearly two years, and was recently convicted of armed robbery in Tallahassee, Florida. What do you have to say for yourself Congressman?

Paul: Well, I didn’t know him personally nor ever heard of –

Hannity: Excuse me, you should have known about this Congressman. This is serious business. The American people deserve to know the type people whom you associate with.

Paul: I’ve got nearly 664,000 fans on Facebook, and you expect me to do a background check on each one of them?

Hannity: No Congressman, that would be impossible. I just think that you haven’t done a good enough job in distancing yourself from Hank Rommel the robber, and the American people deserve a better explanation than what you’ve given them so far.

Paul: Goodbye Sean.

Hannity: What? Don’t leave Congressman. Well, I guess he couldn’t handle the heat. He’s always complaining about a lack of media coverage, and now he storms off the set. I don’t get it.

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CA. Senators Introduce S.B.672 to Impose Gun Control in Video Games

By Jonathan Hodges

In light of the escalating gun violence across the U.S., two Senators are placing blame on the video game industry for its lack of 'gun control in gaming.' In addition, Senators Barbara Boxer and Diane Feinstein claim that the killing of innocent people in video games is both "inhumane and unconstitutional" during a joint press conference in Sacramento today.

"We cannot stand idly by and watch thousands, perhaps MILLIONS of innocent video game characters DIE just for the thrill of it!" said Sen. Boxer. Concerning firearms, Sen. Feinstein said "The reckless and UNREGULATED use of firearms in gaming is producing a generation of murderers - and we need mandatory gun safety in all video games just as we do in the REAL WORLD!"

S.B.672, called the 'Let's Save our Children and Video Game Characters Act' - would mandate the following:

• 30 day waiting period for each character to possess a firearm
• 1 gun per month limit, including both long guns and hand guns
• Federal and State background check for each game character - to be paid for by the gamer
• Removal of all illegal weapons from video games, such as automatics and sawed-off shotguns
• A 10 round magazine capacity limit per firearm, with no modifications allowed
• No character will fire unless first fired upon
• All body armor is strictly prohibited 
• All 'game crimes' will be heard in a newly created Judicial System called 'Gamer's Court'

"The other day I saw some children playing a demo of Fallout 3 in Best Buy, and I was HORRIFIED at the carnage and devastation that firearms brought to that VIDEO game" said Sen. Boxer. Also, she elaborated on the issue of characters rights: "How would you like to be standing on the sidewalk during a beautiful afternoon, only to be run over by a crazed driver? Well, that happens EVERY day in Grand Theft Auto."

The bill faces stiff opposition from Senate Republicans, such as Rand Paul of Kentucky who called it a "Rag of illusory solutions perpetrated by a gang of two cackling hens from San Francisco."

Before the 2012 election, both Senators also plan to introduce the E.I.G.N. Act (Equality In Gaming Now) to give equal representation within every video game to gays, lesbians and transsexuals.



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We Are the World - SNL Cold Open

What's the Difference

Obama Speaks at Republican Leadership Conference

Louis XXXVVII Claims the French Throne; Demands that Sarcozy Resign

Francois Genthenbuber
Unassociated Press

Amidst the tumultuous political and economic climate that is engulfing Europe, another power struggle is underway. “This is my birthright and my calling, it belongs to me and so it must be!” shouted a defiant Louis the XXXVVII.

Speaking to a dedicated group of followers at the annual Renaissance faire in Marseille, his supporters cheered wildly as he spoke about resurrecting lost pillars of French culture.

“My great-great-great-great grandfathers would quiver in disbelief to witness the agony and treachery which has befallen our land. By reinstating me to the throne, I will reverse the horrific nightmare which now plagues our country.” Mr. Louis XXXVVII then proceeded to read aloud his five-point plan that he would implement as King:

1) All government officials are to wear wigs, as was custom throughout 18^th century France

2) Every female member of Parliament is to be expelled immediately

3) All migrants, including those with no French ancestry are to become indentured servants of the State (excluding tourists)

4) Full and immediate withdrawal from the European Union, and dissolution of the Euro as accepted currency

5) Full and complete control of all domestic and foreign affairs is granted to the King

Louis XXXVVII then called upon French President Nicolas Sarcozy to immediately abdicate his position, and for Parliamentary powers to be revoked and reduced to mere advisory roles.

After issuing his demands, he then led his followers to the top of Eifel Tower, where they chanted ‘Viva la France’ for 45 minutes.

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Patriotism in action..

"Man, why was I born in an oil rich country?"

ACLU Sues the Animal Kingdom for Discrimination against Gay Animals

Rupert Wekler

Unassociated Press

In a lawsuit which names ‘Mother Nature’ as a defendant, the American Civil Liberties Union charges that the animal kingdom is purposely discriminating against homosexuality.

“Generation after generation, the animal kingdom continually teaches its offspring that heterosexuality is the only choice...we believe that they should learn alternative lifestyles, just like children in schools today” said ACLU Chief Counsel, Hermin Werzberg.

The suit also claims ‘Nearly every species perpetuates an environment that is hostile to creatures who suffer with gender identity.”

President Barack Obama has not taken a side with the plantiffs or the animal kingdom, and instead advocated the need for ‘social acceptance’ while vacationing in the Bahamas. Talk Radio host Lush Rimbaugh denounced the lawsuit: “With this country facing a $17,000 budget deficit and unemployment at 5.3%, we should not be focused on this non-issue.”

The Center for Family Values (CFV) filed a friend of the court brief to support the defendants, with CFV President Randall Smythe saying, “If it ain’t broken don’t fix it. Why try to change the laws of nature after they’ve been set for millions of years?"

The case also has strong support in Sacramento, with state senator Mark Leno (D-San Francisco) leading the effort to also pass a bill which would require pet owners to educate their pets about alternative lifestyles. When asked why he is supporting the case, Leno replied “I once had a male hamster named Lewis, and Lewis was rejected by his female counterparts - because I know he was gay and never had any support amongst the animal community..how many other gay creatures are out there, and afraid to come out of the closet?”

The case was filed with the Federal District Court in San Francisco, with Judge Vaughn Walker presiding.


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Congressman Proposes 'Youtube Viewer Equality' bill after his On-line Speech receives 'one' View

Boliver Dorth
Unassociated Press

“Today is a monumental day for internet viewership equality" said Missouri Congressman Lacy Clay during a fiery speech before the House.

He has authored a bill called the ‘Youtube Viewership Equality Decree (YVED)' which would mandate that Youtube, and all other video sharing sites allocate a fixed amount of views to each submitted video.

Mr. clay also said “It is discriminatory to favor one video over another. I do not know who that ‘one’ viewer is who saw my speech, but whomever it is - he must be very offended to know that he is all alone.”

The speech to which he refers is one that he gave Feb. 22 on the House floor, where he derided Economist/Historian Thomas DiLorenzo, and mocked Austrian economics. When asked by reporters how many views his video should receive, he replied “Whatever Justin Bieber gets, I oughta get.”

The bill also has bi-partisan support from Republicans such as Rep. Eric Cantor - whose Youtube response to the State of the Union has received 11 views so far.

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Google Expands into Coin Laundry Business

Boliver Dorth
Unassociated Press

In a highly anticipated press conference today, Google CEO Eric Schmidt announced the company’s $750M venture into the coin laundry business. “With a cash and stock purchase of ‘The Laundry Company,’ Google is remaining true to its mission of expanding into sustainable and profitable markets.”

In a move that shocked and baffled market analysts as well as shareholders, Google stands by its decision to purchase the nation’s largest coin laundry company.

VP of Sales Nikesh Arora also added, “We believe this is an important step of diversifying the Google empire as we carefully consider all potential investment opportunities.”

After the press conference, Arora declined to comment when asked by Aron Task of Tech Ticker if Google was considering investing into the typewriter business.

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